By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
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