I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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