I love how my cats smell like pot.
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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