i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
