I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Randomize
