We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
