I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
This gyro tastes like lonliness
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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