Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
I'm passing your future prison.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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