I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
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