big game today.. looking forward to seeing that magic win, and then i will celebrate with a nude dip in lake Eola.. anyone else in??
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
