Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
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