It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
