I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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