1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Randomize
