She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
