Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Randomize
