Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
You have to summon your inner elephant
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
