omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Randomize
