dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Randomize
