How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
