sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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