and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
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