It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
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