Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
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