I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
