Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Randomize
