I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
