I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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