she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
everyone is single if you try hard enough
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
