i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
