im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Randomize
