There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
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