If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
