rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
