I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
Randomize
