Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
