my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
