please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
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