Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
Randomize
