I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Randomize
