We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize
