His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
