So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
