I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Randomize
