Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Randomize
