Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Randomize
