Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Randomize
