whats the name of the jew you used to have sex with that lives on evergreen?
be more specific...?
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
