I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
Randomize
