omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
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